|The dinosaur's extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide|
I called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse.
I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.
Anyone can reach the stars. If you can't reach them, catch one that falls.
I'm not lazy, I'm just happy doing nothing!
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor is cute, screw the fruit!
Boys are like trees - they take 50 years to grow up.
Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'
Therapist = The/rapist... scary thought
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
Officer, I swear to Drunk I'm not God!
Come to the dark side. We have COOKIES!
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder
When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide.
I don't obsess! I think intensely.
They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well, I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people... :/